I’ve been battling my anxiety lately. Anxiety goes hand-in-hand with depression, but I don’t really talk about the depression part anymore, because at this point, I honestly think the anxiety is the root of all of it. I think that if I could cure the anxiety part, then the rest of it would be mute, but as anyone with anxiety knows, there really is no curing it.
I talked a little about cycles in my last post. I see my anxiety in cycles. Like, for a while I’m doing well. I’m balancing everything that needs to be done and feeling pretty good about it. Then one day, I realize that I’m behind on laundry and for the next three weeks I’m in bed thinking about how I have no purpose and I’m a failure. I fight off thoughts of suicide. For the record, I’ve never thought about actually taking my own life, but more the idea of it. What would happen if I weren’t here? Would they miss me more than they are relieve? Would my own relief be worth them missing me? At this point, I’ve never not been able to tell myself that taking my own life would be catastrophic. Right now, I’m not afraid that I will do it; I’m afraid that the day will come when it doesn’t sound like a crazy idea. If that makes sense.
I bet that sounds totally irrational to you. I miss some laundry and then wham I’m not worth the breath I consume. It is irrational. It’s crazy. It’s my life.
I’m the absolute worst at feeling like I’m miraculously healed anytime I go more than a couple of months without incident; only to be super let down when things go bad again. I have all of these methods for making my day to day life go easier: meditation, keeping to a schedule, making sure I have some social interaction that’s not too intense, etc. Once I get off track though, all of it goes to hell. It’s really hard to stick to all of it, and I’m pretty sure the pressure that I feel to stick to all of it is part of the problem. It just keeps cycling around, y’all.
I haven’t been in a good place lately. That’s pretty much why I’m writing this post. It helps to put it out there and when I blog it, I don’t have to actually talk to anyone about it, and that helps me sometimes. I’m pretty open about my anxiety in general, but when things aren’t going well, I just don’t want to talk. I feel ashamed I suppose. Like, if I can’t talk to you from a place where I’m overcoming or succeeding in my own eyes, than I just feel a lot of shame about it. I’m working on that. I’m about to try and sleep. If I can sleep well tonight, then I will have energy tomorrow. If I have energy, than I can check a few things off of my to-do list. If I get some things done, then I feel accomplished, so on and so forth. Resetting the cycle, basically.
2017 hasn’t started out on the best foot, but to be honest, every year of my life has parts where I was paralyzed by anxiety, so that doesn’t mean anything about the year as a whole. I’m still looking for good things in 2017.